Queer Fear
So as you may know, yes I am new to this world of LGBT. Maybe one day I'll tell my story, but right now I want to focus on something important to me. I'm going to try to keep this as simple as I can, but I do feel very strong about this subject. I want to talk about the power of WORDS. It's hard for me to know where to start with this. How to properly articulate not just my feelings, but to accurately represent others who may have gone through this. To be honest I don't think I can... I don't think I can tell someone's story for them. However, alike the two stories may be it's not mine, and mine not theirs. So I will just tell my story and maybe someone else will relate and share their story in the comments.
When my partner and I first started dating, I'll never forget something she said, "Well you're just a regular outed baby dyke." I felt so insulted and flabbergasted. Just fresh out of straight world, and I thought what she said to me was very offensive. Which being incredibly intuitive, my partner caught that offended expression. She leaned forward and said "Now that we're together and you are a Lesbian you're going to have to become adjusted to some of our language. If you don't you'll come across people who will try to use words against you." I crossed my arms baffled and confused. Nothing anyone could say would offend me. I'm a strong woman and I stand by my convictions and I do what makes me happy... So I thought. She continued, "Not only are you a lesbian, you're a faggot and you're queer." By this time my face was flush and embarrassed the person I liked, so much so that I took this huge leap of faith into this unknown place of lesboland for, and she was insulting me. Quirking a brow at my closed body language she continues, "Even though you are all of those things, you are also Mine. I'm telling you these things so that you can embrace this terminology before someone uses it against you. You being offended by these words means you have given power to those words. You're queer you're mine and you're a beautiful dyke." I smiled a little with understanding. I knew where she was coming from and of course she was right. If I was offended by those words coming from my Lesbian Goddess of all people.. I had already given insulting powers to those words.
A few weeks later lots of things happened I moved out of my mothers place, learned to live on my own, and came out of the closet to my mother. Thankful I had moved out so I wouldn't have been kicked out, the coming out went terrible, as expected, but she is my mother and I felt like she had the right to know. My mother is a bible thumper like no other. I was never allowed to watch Will and Grace, because it was of the devil. I told her and she told me there was no way I was a lesbian, and that she believed I was under attack by Satan. She said she would pray for me, and on my way out my step dad came out drunkenly holding himself up on the banister rail shaking his whiskey bottle at me, "Don't come back here you fucking queer faggot." My mother helped her belligerent husband back inside (I'd like to note that it was also a Sunday. Like the good little church goers they are.) Before my mother shut the door I looked at her and said, "Are you praying for me, because I'm queer. Because I am Queer and Proud." Then I left with a big smile on my face.
I would like to thank my partner for desensitizing me to those words. I do embrace them with confidence and finality. I am a baby dyke I am going to make a lot of mistakes, but one thing I know for sure is that I'm gay and I'm out and about. Words like Faggot, Queer, and Dyke have no effect on me except as terms of endearment and pride. I would like to hear others stories so if you have one like it please post it in the comments.
Sincerely,
A Nostalgic Baby Dyke.
